"Staph Lord" - Chisom Christabel Krystalz

watch_later Tuesday, 13 March 2018


I went to the lab to finish my experiment. After doing the usual sanitary preliminaries, I proceeded to the incubator to get my bacterial culture.

I yanked the incubator open furiously, I was late and also mad at myself for letting the sample stay longer than 24hours.

There was nothing in the incubator. The incubator, gigantic as it was, didn't have hidden compartments so I stood there, perplexed.

What just happened? 

"Who took my MSA?!" I screamed. 


Nobody was there to answer, so the question was just rhetoric.

I closed the incubator, and tried to countdown before reopening it. 5, 4, 3, 2,.....1. I yanked it open again and the door hit me right in the middle of my forehead.

I was falling, weird as it seemed. I shouldn't describe it as falling because it felt more like I was floating around the lab, in circles, as if I were travelling through a tornado.

But, after some minutes, the whirling stopped and I stood once again in the lab. But, it wasn't my lab.

There were lit bunsen burners on the various workbenches. I don't remember lighting any of such, so I just stood and stared.

Then I saw it; my beautiful MSA plate, on one of the workbenches close to the flame.

"Hanty MSA, you've given me trouble today." I traipsed to it, wanting to continue with my experiment. It wasn't my lab, but I cared less. Time was going very fast.

When I opened the plate, I was shocked. I had developed magnifying lenses. I could see beyond the morphological characteristics of the bacteria. I saw them in their nature, round and clustered like grapes.

Then, there was a voice from the plate. I mean it, my bacteria spoke. I could see them, and hear them.

"This is a sci-fi movie right?" I whispered, still unsure if I should freak out or not.

"No miss. You're here for judgement." I looked closer into the plate, one of the organisms moved, had something like a mouth then I threw my head backwards and laughed hysterically.

"Judgement!" More laughter, until I felt something crawling on my skin, piercing it. I could see the bacteria, hear them and I had also become more sensitive.

"What are you doing? Get off my skin!"
I dropped the plate and started scratching. My body had been invaded by vermin.

"Oh! Have you forgotten so soon, Miss? We are a natural flora of the skin, remember."

Yikes! It's the truth so I pretended to keep my cool. "What do you want from me?"

"We are tired of the accusations from your kind. They accuse us for the pettiest of things. What is my business with low sperm count or menstruation abnormalities? Heck! They disgust me even. But you humans go about getting yourself infected with other bacteria and accuse us of being the cause."

"B.. But."

"Just shut up! You know Staph is not a disease right? But you won't speak up. Tell them that Staph is not responsible for their failed coitus and conceptions. Besides, when we are mistakenly introduced into a vulnerable part of your body, the only things we cause are skin related except when you refuse to take your medicines, then we invade your internal organs. Y'all leave us with no choice." The voice from the plate was haughty and arrogant.

"I'm sorry for the misunderstanding, Staph Lord. The reason for this is the large number of quacks in the industry. Here in Nigeria, if you have belly ache, head ache, irregular menstruation, low sperm count, even other infections, na Staph dey cause am. I'm sorry. But can you please return me to my lab, so I can continue with my experiment? "

I heard a slight grunt.

"To think that with all your weeks of research, you can't still correct the erroneous belief of your dumb citizens. If you cant do so simple a thing as that, why should I let you go?"

Yes! Thank you microbiology, because of you I'm being scolded by minute organisms. I tried to imagine the faces of my colleagues when I told them Staphylococcus species Lord pulled my ears. I could even hear them laughing. It angered me.

"Can I go already? Please, I'll do anything you ask."

"Tell your silly humans that Staphylococcus species is not a disease. There is no such thing as 'I'm suffering from Staph'. We are just a bunch of organisms living in your skin. It would be of their benefit too if you can convince them that we are not an STI. Let them go and find their culprits elsewhere. We have no business with human smelly genitalia. They can go query Chlamydia and her children. Yeh! Gonorrhea once told me of its plan to raise gigantic children in your nether regions. Just go disturb any of them and leave us be."

I got on my knees apologising and promising until the Staph Lord had mercy on me.

Gradually, I began to lose my heightened sensitivity, and my magnified vision. I was back in my lab. The incubator was open and my MSA plate was there on one of the compartments.

"I have just been roasted by your kind." I rolled my eyes then slammed the door shut, "F*** this experiment. I quit."

#Krystalz
Written by Chisom Christabel©

Image adopted from nanobugs.com


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