The Chronicles of Azuka 'Episode 1' - Pat Ashinze

watch_later Saturday, 9 June 2018

 …Azuka loved Guinness. He had ordered six small stouts. The hops and barley mix was enough to make him _"okay"_.
If it was not Guinness, then it would be Gulder or Heineken or Goldberg. Nothing more, nothing less.
Azuka did not believe drinking was a sin. For all he cared, did Christ not turn water to wine in Cana, Galilee?
Tufia… Drinking is not a sin joorr.
Azuka however preached moderation. Azuka loved his conscience. It was a cool conscience, not like that of the big-bottomed Bro Brutus whose conscience was so seared with self-righteousness that he had reported Azuka to Most Senior Pastor Prophet(Dr) John Ihejirika, the head preacher and Overseer of Jesus Quick Quick Ministeries.
Well, that is a story for another day.

Tonight, however was a special night. Azuka had hit a jackpot with the Ponzi scheme that Sarafa, the perpetually red-eyed, babber had introduced him to.
Sarafa's eyes were not red from birth. No. They were made unwhite by street weed and Rothmans cigarette.

Azuka was a steady spanker of big bounties but this was the biggest hit he had ever seen. 1 million bloody naira. Choi! Azuka had nearly ran mad. The money was white and fresh. He wanted to testify of this great goodness in church but he was afraid of going to hell so he succumbed to conscience and repressed guilt.
Azuka loved safety. If there was any reason why he attended church or feared God at all, it was because he did not want to go to hell.

Azuka was scheming how to spend the money. He would not pay tithe. The money was impure. He would however donate to the Church project. The Overseer had instructed the brethren to donate some good money for the church expansion in China. The Jesus Quick Quick ministries was expanding and now it is seeding up in the Orient. Azuka would donate some money to that. He loved the Church. Very much.

Azuka planned on paying Ifeanyi's school fees. She was his babe. Yes, his missus darling, a 300L Sociology student at The University for that matter. He would give her some extra cash also.
Oh… Azuka remembered Bruno, the American Ibo boy. He owed Bruno #200,000. He would pay him back too. Bruno had saved Azuka's head from cult boys in Warri. That is a story for another day.

Azuka remembered his parents too. #50,000 would be enough for them.
Azuka remembered Calistus, the scientist. Calistus had sold Azuka some drugs that he could not get at Okon's pharmacy. Calistus was the one scientist that knew how to mix the royal blend that made the youths see heaven… a mix of Tramadol, Schnapps, Bitters and Codeine.
He owed Calistus about #70,000 worth or something like that sha. He would pay Calistus.

After apportioning cash to many quarters, Azuka was down to 300 grand. That was enough for a big boy. Azuka was wise and righteous. Yes, he was righteous. Azuka knew he would enter heaven. He was sure. He who is wise is righteous. He ordered one more bottle of Guinness, making seven in total. Seven is the number of perfection.Seven is the mark of righteousness.

Azuka wants people to mind their business. Azuka believes that the only class of people that can enter heaven are those that mind their business.
Blessed are those that mind their business.
Azuka is righteous. Righteous people mind their businesses....

Written by:
Pat Ashinze,
For the People, 2018

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